Nicole’s Pick: Letter of the Week 06-21-13

LetteroftheweekDear Nicole,

Like Paulo Coelho said: “When we love, it is not necessary to understand what is  happening outside because everything is happening inside us instead…” (big smile). Our community is growing up by strong voices like yours that keep fighting for a better place to live. 

Here is my coming out story…..which I call “Discovering the Coming Fall Leaves”.

I was 21 years old in 2004 and I started my freshman year in college in Peru full of determination.  I had a lot of work to do in order to get my studies done. I remember I didn’t have too much time during the week to go out with friends… just the weekends, so in that time I was going regularly to the Christian church; I believe in God.

One day, my mom received a call from my aunt to invite us to her birthday party.  My mom said we were going even though my mom didn’t ask me before if it was okay with me.  After the conversation with my aunt she came to me and said we are invited to the party and I said “nahh  naahh… I can’t go – I have so much to do” but she asked me so many times that finally she won!

September 24, 2004 – I will never forget that day… how all the leaves fell… like they were inside of me….  I said hello to the family.  The music was loud, the dinner smelled delicious ; everybody was happy to see us.

Then my cousin invited me to come and meet her roomate from the private English Institute where she worked.   I asked my cousin “where is she from?” and she replied “From North Carolina, in the US”.  I turned around and there she was.  Something was happening inside of me…. she said “Hi” with eye-contact that nobody had ever given me before.  She was stunning.

I wasn’t sure what was going on with me but I HAD to talk to her alone… and oh my…  with all those people around me… and my parents!  I needed to hide my emotions but for the first time in my life I felt… it was like I was naked  in front of her… like she KNEW something about me… I went to her room and we talked and talked.  I didn’t care about the rest of the people at the party.  I felt so close to her and that feeling became more powerful… oh my……what is it??
My cousin told me that she was gay so I acted all like, “OH really?”  because in Peru talking about sex or homosexuality in front of people is completely taboo.  Peru is a conservative society; same-sex couples cannot hold hands or kiss in public so I pretended that I thought I was hearing something bizarre  but inside… I was burning with happiness. 

 

The moment I eventually kissed her was beautiful and pure.

 

Time passed and we spent hours and days together going to the cinema, park, parties and travelling.  I loved every moment alone with her.
Then the day came that she needed to return to the US and she told me to come and live with her so I did for 4 years.  But because of my tourist visa  I had to leave the US every 6 months.  It was horrible because I needed to stay out of the US more than I was staying  there… 10 months  at a time – I went to  Spain, Germany, Italy and France.

 

In 2006 it was time to tell my mom about my homosexuality.  I was crying because I was so nervous.  I had so many questions in my head but I eventually got the courage and told her.  My mom made me feel like I was making the worst decision of my life and insisted that I return to Peru.  But I said “NO.  Mother, it’s time for you to understand that this is MY life and with all due respect I am a lesbian and I won’t return to Peru.  I love you deeply but I can’t.”

 

My parents will never support my homosexuality and that’s why I’m now in Europe.  I disappointed them and my homosexuality remains a secret from the rest of my family 🙁

 

If my story can help someone else – even just a little to help free them from the prison inside of them I will be grateful.  In order to be complete as a human being I need to keep fighting for my freedom.

~F.

Be Sociable, Share!