I’m sure that you receive quite a bit of mail and I realize this message may just float out there in the great cyber cloud of the virtual sky. So, if nothing else, I can look at this as a cathartic exercise in speaking my truth.

I write to you under a pseudonym and from an email account only I know about because I am a very closeted gay woman. I am 38 years old, married with one daughter (6 yrs old) and I am a devoted Christian. I only recently (about 9 months ago) came to a place where I could finally admit this truth to myself. When I look back over my life, I realize I’ve always known this about myself. As early as 7 or 8 years of age, I can remember having a crush on a high school girl I knew. As I continued through school, I knew I had crushes on other girls, but always talked myself out of it, because I knew it wasn’t “acceptable.” I would pray and ask God to change me or heal me or somehow make me “normal” like everyone else. When that didn’t happen, I tried to conform to what I saw in everyone else. I don’t know why I have come to this stage where I’m willing to stop lying, at least to myself, but on some level it is freeing to know I’m not just a freak. This truth and my faith have been in quite the wrestling match lately and I’m still not sure who will win (or if there even needs to be a winner). But I’m confident that God created me, that I have always been this way, and that God loves me. I know all of the debates on all sides of the “religious” argument for and against being gay and where God fits with that. But I know for me, the promise I made to my husband and honoring that, outweighs the arguments – at least for me. To come out to my family and friends would create a huge ripple effect from which I could not bear to stand under the weight of that emotional responsibility. So, I have chosen to remain faithful to my husband and continue to live the life I’ve chosen (this is where choice comes in).

So, why tell you? Well, I recently stumbled upon your movie, Elena Undone. I was so moved by the character and her struggle in choosing her family or choosing the love of her life that I felt compelled to write you. I felt like I was watching me to some degree on that screen. You see, I haven’t just realized who I am at my core by chance. I realized it because I knew I was in love with a woman; my best friend. We have been friends for nearly 15 years that included a period of almost 9 years of increasing emotional distance between us (ever since I got married). When I finally came out to my friend and admitted that the reason for my emotional distance was because I’d fallen in love with her, she confessed as much back to me. While it has healed our relationship to some degree, it has become heart breaking at the same time. You see, she is in the same position as I, married w/ children and grandchildren (she is 25 years my senior), and a devout Christian woman. We have both chosen to not pursue a romantic relationship with each other. But I know without a doubt that she is my soul mate and the love of my life. I never used to believe in that “soul mate” business and would have scoffed at the notion presented in your movie before. This movie was beautifully written and executed and I thank you for making it.

Again, I realize you may get more than your share of unsolicited attempts to give you stories or ideas for your work, etc. That is NOT my intent. Often times when I am wrestling with something, I will journal my thoughts as I try to come to some conclusion that fits the puzzle. While I was journaling and wrestling with coming to grips with my true identity and traveling that road, my journal started to become something more of a story. I guess it was a way for me to “live out” parts of my relationship with my friend on a level that could never happen in real life. It’s mostly fiction, but pretty autobiographical as well. Much like a painting you can’t hide in the attic once complete, I haven’t known what to do with this story. I have NO interest in seeking to get it published or in any other way promoted. But I know that I can not keep it to myself. I am attaching it as a means to telling my story, if only to the “cloud.” I expect no reply; no feedback; nothing. I just needed to “put it out there,” if that makes any sense at all.

Thank you for your work. Thank you for your time. Thank you.

I’m sure that you receive quite a bit of mail and I realize this message may just float out there in the great cyber cloud of the virtual sky. So, if nothing else, I can look at this as a cathartic exercise in speaking my truth.

I write to you under a pseudonym and from an email account only I know about because I am a very closeted gay woman. I am 38 years old, married with one daughter (6 yrs old) and I am a devoted Christian. I only recently (about 9 months ago) came to a place where I could finally admit this truth to myself. When I look back over my life, I realize I’ve always known this about myself. As early as 7 or 8 years of age, I can remember having a crush on a high school girl I knew. As I continued through school, I knew I had crushes on other girls, but always talked myself out of it, because I knew it wasn’t “acceptable.” I would pray and ask God to change me or heal me or somehow make me “normal” like everyone else. When that didn’t happen, I tried to conform to what I saw in everyone else. I don’t know why I have come to this stage where I’m willing to stop lying, at least to myself, but on some level it is freeing to know I’m not just a freak. This truth and my faith have been in quite the wrestling match lately and I’m still not sure who will win (or if there even needs to be a winner). But I’m confident that God created me, that I have always been this way, and that God loves me. I know all of the debates on all sides of the “religious” argument for and against being gay and where God fits with that. But I know for me, the promise I made to my husband and honoring that, outweighs the arguments – at least for me. To come out to my family and friends would create a huge ripple effect from which I could not bear to stand under the weight of that emotional responsibility. So, I have chosen to remain faithful to my husband and continue to live the life I’ve chosen (this is where choice comes in).

So, why tell you? Well, I recently stumbled upon your movie, Elena Undone. I was so moved by the character and her struggle in choosing her family or choosing the love of her life that I felt compelled to write you. I felt like I was watching me to some degree on that screen. You see, I haven’t just realized who I am at my core by chance. I realized it because I knew I was in love with a woman; my best friend. We have been friends for nearly 15 years that included a period of almost 9 years of increasing emotional distance between us (ever since I got married). When I finally came out to my friend and admitted that the reason for my emotional distance was because I’d fallen in love with her, she confessed as much back to me. While it has healed our relationship to some degree, it has become heart breaking at the same time. You see, she is in the same position as I, married w/ children and grandchildren (she is 25 years my senior), and a devout Christian woman. We have both chosen to not pursue a romantic relationship with each other. But I know without a doubt that she is my soul mate and the love of my life. I never used to believe in that “soul mate” business and would have scoffed at the notion presented in your movie before. This movie was beautifully written and executed and I thank you for making it.

Again, I realize you may get more than your share of unsolicited attempts to give you stories or ideas for your work, etc. That is NOT my intent. Often times when I am wrestling with something, I will journal my thoughts as I try to come to some conclusion that fits the puzzle. While I was journalling and wrestling with coming to grips with my true identity and traveling that road, my journal started to become something more of a story. I guess it was a way for me to “live out” parts of my relationship with my friend on a level that could never happen in real life. It’s mostly fiction, but pretty autobiographical as well. Much like a painting you can’t hide in the attic once complete, I haven’t known what to do with this story. I have NO interest in seeking to get it published or in any other way promoted. But I know that I can not keep it to myself. I am attaching it as a means to telling my story, if only to the “cloud.” I expect no reply; no feedback; nothing. I just needed to “put it out there,” if that makes any sense at all.

Thank you for your work. Thank you for your time. Thank you.

-Anonymous

A Perfect Ending

Having finished the final lock of our film, “A Perfect Ending” at 5:43 am Saturday morning. I sat back, hit play, admittedly very bleary eyed, when I realied I had shut down the dialogue tracks accidentally.  What the heck…I let it run and then realized what I was watching was an experience.   I watched more and more, thinking about what people always ask me:  ”Why do you want to make film.”   Because I want to provoke people to think, to examine a different way of being, to expose them to an entirely new universe they would never otherwise have the experience of knowing.

It’a “Cine-Sation” I thought to myself.  That’s what our wonderful little film is:  Cine-Sation – it’s a film you FEEL not just watch.   I loved that.   Much how I feel about Martin Scorcese’s “Age of Innocence” and “Casino” — two movies I could just watch and listen to all day long.   I fell asleep with these images playing in my head… ahhhh heavenly… sweet sweet dreams!

By the way, MAKE SURE to MARK YOUR CALENDAR so that you can learn more about our Cine-sation when I am joined by stars Barbara Niven and Jessica Clark for a special Valentine’s Sweet Peek on February 13th at 7pm PST.

I recently bought Elena Undone on iTunes. I have watched it a couple times now. There was so much about the story and the characters that resonated with me. In fact, watching this movie helped me see myself more clearly and enabled me to articulate my thoughts to a close friend.

I am a 41 year old female and I have been married to my husband for 13 years, but together for 22 years. We have two children.

Five years ago, I met a woman through work. We very quickly became almost inseparable. Within six months we knew almost everything about each other, I had a bag of lounging clothes and my favorite snacks that I kept at her house for our weekly Friday evenings together. Neither of us thought of ourselves as “lesbians”. We talked on the phone multiple times a day and shared the details of our daily lives. We supported each other emotionally and we grew to love one another which we verbalized. This new found companionship created challenges for our exiting relationships. Me with my husband and mother. She is single but close with siblings and other friends who teased her and called me her girlfriend. We took trips together, we grew closer and we argued. Eventually, I told her I may be in love with her. She stated that she did not feel the same, despite her actions. There was very little physical intimacy. We never kissed. We hugged, held hands infrequently and she enjoyed frequent neck and back rubs that I offered.

A few months after traveling for a week with my husband and I, she said she no longer wanted my friendship. Out of the blue, with no warning. She said I don’t hear “no” and she can’t say “no”. She said the bad for her outweighed the good. There was a lot of tears and discussion, but this was absolutely not a mutual decision. I offered and she accepted a three month break to think about things. In the end, she did not change her mind. She asked me to email her which I did until she told me to stop contacting her. Needless to say there are other individual issues that brought us to this bleak ending.

I love her with all my heart. She was my soulmate. I was not hers. I went through the same experience as Elena in discovering myself. I was at that point where I offered “all of me except for that”. I was able to accept all of this only after watching Elena Undone. This was not something I could accomplish in a year of counseling.

I am making progress, but I am not over my heartbreak.

Thank you for this movie that truly “moved” me. I feel less alone and isolated.

-Anonymous

I have watched ‘Elena Undone’ several times and wanted to tell you that it was so beautifully done and to thank you for bringing it to fruition.

I am going to be 78 years old next month and have spent my whole life trying to hide the fact that I am a lesbian…that is, I have never admitted it outright. That does not mean that the way I’ve lived my life has not given almost everybody pause to wonder about my preferences.

I have been with my partner for 36 years now, the last 21 living together (as we tell others, as old lady roommates). She was a woman living in an abusive marriage with 3 children, one of whom was a mentally sick daughter who has since been institutionalized for the last 30 years. Before I met her, I was a Nun…principal of the school her children went to, but met her after I had left the convent. Your movie could have been about us as that is how we fell for each other from day one. It was more than just a romance as she desperately needed what I brought to her in her time of so much family trouble…a person who really cared to help her through all these struggles.

We didn’t actually move in together for another 15 years.

So it’s with a feeling of relief that I can say this to you as the only outsider, besides my doctor, whom I have shared this with. At this point in my life, I don’t see it as necessary to verbalize the obvious with others, but I have for many years not allowed myself to be intimate with my partner. I guess, if I didn’t do ‘that’ then I could safely live my lie. She understood that it was a strange quirk of mine that after several years of intimacy, I turned it off. What a shame to have had to try to deny what was so beautiful. I tell her every day that I love her and she to me, so you see, even old ladies still have it! I can still watch the movie and savor the closeness and the eye connections and relive those feelings. When my time comes to die, I can say that I am not ashamed to be gay.

In my early years, I never thought of a label to describe myself and never thought there were so many gay people in the world.

So, thank you for creating such a beautiful and truthful story and having the actors to make it so believable.

(I feel like I have been to confession!!!!)

Sincerely,
Monica Saksefski

I have watched ‘Elena Undone’ several times and wanted to tell you that it was so beautifully done and to thank you for bringing it to fruition.

I am going to be 78 years old next month and have spent my whole life trying to hide the fact that I am a lesbian…that is, I have never admitted it outright. That does not mean that the way I’ve lived my life has not given almost everybody pause to wonder about my preferences.

I have been with my partner for 36 years now, the last 21 living together (as we tell others, as old lady roommates). She was a woman living in an abusive marriage with 3 children, one of whom was a mentally sick daughter who has since been institutionalized for the last 30 years. Before I met her, I was a Nun…principal of the school her children went to, but met her after I had left the convent. Your movie could have been about us as that is how we fell for each other from day one. It was more than just a romance as she desperately needed what I brought to her in her time of so much family trouble…a person who really cared to help her through all these struggles.

We didn’t actually move in together for another 15 years.

So it’s with a feeling of relief that I can say this to you as the only outsider, besides my doctor, whom I have shared this with. At this point in my life, I don’t see it as necessary to verbalize the obvious with others, but I have for many years not allowed myself to be intimate with my partner. I guess, if I didn’t do ‘that’ then I could safely live my lie. She understood that it was a strange quirk of mine that after several years of intimacy, I turned it off. What a shame to have had to try to deny what was so beautiful. I tell her every day that I love her and she to me, so you see, even old ladies still have it! I can still watch the movie and savor the closeness and the eye connections and relive those feelings. When my time comes to die, I can say that I am not ashamed to be gay.

In my early years, I never thought of a label to describe myself and never thought there were so many gay people in the world.

So, thank you for creating such a beautiful and truthful story and having the actors to make it so believable.

(I feel like I have been to confession!!!!)

Sincerely,
Monica Saksefski

We love to watch them, but how do they happen? Lesbian Love scenes are, by far, the most DIFFICULT scenes to envision, create, and certainly to execute. The love scene between Necar Zadegan and Traci Dinwiddie in “Elena Undone” is my favorite scene of “Elena Undone.” I have been so fortunate that Tal Lazar (my soul-brother) and cinematographer extraodinaire helps to design a look that creates the tone… what I want the viewer to feel when they see a film. I”ve just finished cutting THREE love scenes for “A Perfect Ending” – each uniquely designed, and all three extremely different. They too were the most difficult, but ohhh, how rewarding. At some point I’ll poll everyone and ask which of the three of the love scenes between Barbara Niven and Jessica Clark they like the most.

Copyright Alliance: Help pass the Stop Online Piracy Act & Protect IP Act

I’d rather focus on our ravishing Jessica Clark, who amongst the attendees, made me nostalgic about our fun shoot. She is always languidly graceful, and hysterically funny…if you can keep up with her!! Flanked by her erstwhile manager Martha Sanchez and my equally loyal manager, Melanie Rice, we all headed for a bite of dinner right next to the Bourgeois Pig (where I used to have many a double pig latte – which I believe predates Starbucks’ caramel macchiato and is quantitatively better…).

The brilliant Dreya Weber sat between Marina and myself. I was snuggling close to rising star Fontessa De-Ridder. Again, we thought about the true miracle of Outfest. It is the one home where we filmmakers get to see our films up on the big screen, our stories shown with the same dignity as Tom Cruise’s latest sequel. We all laughed long and hard, drank, partied and had a very fun evening. But of course – when you’re with filmmakers we always circle back to what technology has done for us, pros & cons, and if we don’t get a handle on the piracy issue…

Well, it’s a new world. Content is king but cannot remain self-sustaining if provided for free. Dreya should have been nominated for every award out there in “Marine Story” and the film should have been picked up and gone wide like “The Kids are All Right.” So I now, hereby nominate Dreya Weber Best Actress of 2010, but, more importantly I now nominate Dreya for the most delightful, articulate, genuine and brilliant dynamo of 2011.

Alas… back to the cave…